Who is your favorite Jesus?

 

So who is your favorite Jesus?

 

Heck yea, there are multiple Jesuses!

 

First off, there is baby Jesus. Baby Jesus is super popular. He is allegedly very adorable and precious. He pulls off the swaddling clothes look, which is really hard to do. He is the reason for Christmas, the most fun holiday ever (if you aren’t a Jew, Muslim, Kwanzah celebrator, atheist, pagan, or angry old man that hates everything). Baby Jesus comes with every nativty scene. He is the most fun piece. You want to scoop him up in your palm and carry him around, or steal a big one from someone’s lawn. I stole one off some hardcore-Catholic chicks’ dorm door once. They were like nuns in training and had a navity scene on their door. I never wanted something so bad as i wanted that baby Jesus to put on my bedroom door. And I did! When I was drunk! YAY!

Then there is “The Jesus”. I mean the popular, everyday, and historical Jesus. The thirty something year old man that wandered around the Biblical lands with his posse. The Gospels star. He wore Jesus sandals, which you got to love. He did a bunch of miracles like cure people of aids and he hugged lepers and saved whores. And he made parties rocking with a shitload of wine made from water. He grew his hair and beard out like a hippie. Which is kinda gross, but looks good on him. You know how they say “ripped like Jesus”, well the man had a pretty fine body. He wore a long dress. I mean, robe. But, it kind of looks like a dress ya know. He raised Lazarus from the dead, which is pretty bad ass. He was always mellow and chill, except that one time in the temple when people were sinning and he flipped the fucked out. But anyway, this Jesus is just a very cool, happy, friendly, peaceful, and relaxed dude. He was even pretty relaxed when he got sentenced to death. He carried that big ass cross without complaining. He didn’t use any of his sweet Jesus powers to get out of that crucifixion. Maybe Jesus is a pushover. But he is such a nice guy. Who can hate a nice guy?

Then there is Dead Jesus. He is kind of a zombie Jesus, but not so much. I mean his body did disappear, but it didn’t wander the desert eating people. He just kinda appears whenever he wants, and then warps back to Heaven. Dead Jesus is like super cool because he is dead. That is pretty much the only reason. Sometimes people see Dead Jesus and he is pushing out his wrists and ankles and showing his bleeding crucifition wounds. I don’t know why he does this. It’s pretty emo to complain about that, I mean let it go man.

Then there is the Mysterious Jesus! It just so happens, that in the Bible, Jesus is only discussed as a baby and very small child. Then all of the sudden, he is in his thirties. What happened to the teen years and his twenties?! No one knows. At least, it’s not documented in the Bible. So all we can do is speculate. What was Mysterious Jesus like? Well there are two possibilities:

1. Emo Suck Ass Teen Jesus.

Imagine if while growing up, Jesus was a huge loser. I mean we all know what a pushover, nice guy he is. He would try to pick up chicks at the temple, and they would always diss him. For Example:

Hot Jew Girl 1: hehe that is like soo funny! Oh my gawd! Oh no! It’s Jesus! He just walked in!

Hot Jew Girl 2: Whaat?! Really? Oh my gawd! He is walking over here!

Hot Jew Girl 1: Ugh, he is such a dork. He has the dorkiest sandals.

Hot Jew Girl 2: And his face is sooo pimpley and oily from him anoiting himself all the time!

Jesus: Hey ladies! How are you this beautiful day?

Hot Jew Girl 1: Uh, like fine.

Hot Jew Girl 2: Yea, whatever

Jesus: Would you like to go on a walk with me?

Hot Jew Girl  1: Uh, I like totally need to help my dad watch sheep in the pasture.

Jesus: Oh, How about you?

Hot Jew Girl 2: I need to go….meet some potential future husbands. I am like almost 15. I totally need a husband like real soon.

Jesus: Ok. Peace be with you! :::walks away::::

Hot Jew Girl 1: Ugh, I can’t believe he can’t just say goodbye! What a freak!

When Jesus gets home he starts crying and using so much cloth kleenex. He hates being a loser. “Whyy God?! WHY?! Why is my life so miserable?!” Jesus then starts cutting himself with his carpentry saw. He sweeps his bangs into his eyes. He has no music, but he hums a lame tune to himself. Then he declares: “I hate my life! God, I wish you would kill me!” (this is a request he would later regret!)

Ok then there is the chance Mysterious Jesus is a stud.

2.Stud Jesus.

He is a badass playa that the ladies want, and the men want to be. He is God’s freaking Son, you can’t beat that! He has insane skills. For example, Jesus goes to Wedding where he makes the wine flow like crazy:

Hot Jew Slut 1: Mmm Jesus, this wine is fantastic. I praise you baby!

Jesus: Thank you ::::slips arm around her::::

Jew Dude: Jesus, man, your wine making skillz are dope!

Jesus: Thanks, man.

Hot Jew Slut 2: Jesus, I want to feel your miraculous, healing hands again! Heal me of my need! My need for…YOU!

Jesus: As you wish. :::puts his other arm around her, which eventually, falls down to cradle her ass

Jew Dude: Jesus, I have a bad rash…from…well…anyway. Can you help me out dude?

Jesus: Of course my brother. ::::lets go of the girls and cradles his hands over his friend’s balls:::::

Jew Dude: Wow, I feel better all ready!

Jesus: I know. I know.

The Bride: Jesus! How can we make this party better?! What Would Jesus Do?

Jesus: Well, Jesus would…fucking party hard! That is what he’d do!

The Bride: Thanks Jesus! Can I wash your feet?

So I’ve discussed all the Jesuses. Which Jesus is your favorite?! I got to say, they are all fucking fantastic.  But I guess I especially love the mystery and intrigue of Jesus in his teens and twenties. Since I don’t know for sure what he was like back then, I can pretend all I want. Which I did in this blog. My pretending will surely piss off the pope and condemn me to hell forever, but it was soooo much fun!!!