This 11 Year Old Dates More Than Me

24 Jun

Yesterday I had a fascinating & surprising conversation with a short, baby-faced 11 year old that wears glasses named Michael. He kind of looks like this kid to the left.

He brought up that he had a girlfriend named Mary. Awww, how cute! I thought.

Not taking him seriously at all, I asked him if he and his girlfriend Mary go on dates?

Yes.

So what do you do on your dates?

Go to the movies.

 

What was the last movie you two saw?

Kung Fu Panda 2.

Awwww how adorable I thought, they see kiddie cartoons together.

Giggling to myself, I asked if they hold hands.

Yes.

Reluctantly I asked, Did you kiss?

No…

I sighed in relief. Of course he was too young for that. 

Her parents were there.

What the fuck! I thought. Does that mean what I think it means?

Oh really….ummm…would you have been kissing if they weren’t there?

HELL YES! he says with extreme enthusiasm and cockiness.

My mouth dropped. This kid is a P-I-M-P!

I’d like to point out, that while this 5th grader is getting a lot of dates, I myself have not been on one in a long  long long time. I am a loser.

And because Fran is hilarious…I’d like to point out that I told her about this convo, and she said she is keeping an eye on Michael from now on when he plays with my 9 year old niece :p

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My Lime Song…It’s subLIME!

16 Jun

This is my song about limes.

It was inspired by the garnish on my drink. i wrote this at the bar. that is all ya need to know.

My Lime Song…

 

Chorus: Limes are my best friend, Until the very end!

On the Mexican border, I got a dozen limes for a quarter.

I smuggled a man in my trunk. I said yes cus I was very drunk.

I had too many tequila shots. I told a cross-dressing midget he was hot.

We got engaged right away. Now I’m sneaking him into the USA.

Repeat Chorus

I woke up in the backseat. He said he had a secret.

I said who the hell are you? He said I did a porno with a Jew.

I said Again, who the hell are you? He said I’m your fiancé boo!

I said well you’re kind of short and kind of gay. But I can deal if u toss a lime my way!

Repeat Chorus

Limes are my very very best friend! Until the very very end!

So listen you lemonsucker face: I love a man name Grace. We sell limes by the border, For only a quarter!

The End.

I realize now, that this song was is much more interesting after ingesting three mixed drinks.

The Story of My Existence

8 Apr

Senior year of college I took a religion course called Christian Marriage & Family. Yes, because it sounded easy as hell. It was!

We had a project that forced me to investigate the source of my existence.

Why was I born 13 years after my 5 older siblings (who are all 2 years apart in age)?

One breezy winter day, while hanging out in my Silver Spring home with my family, I decided to ask that question. The clouds were extra puffy that day, the sky a nice shade of blue. God was in a happy mood, for it was Thursday, the day he plays badminton with his friends.

But as soon as I asked the fateful question, Fran, my mother, started laughing. An endless chuckle cut through the atmostphere- white clouds turned to black , rain, no hail, started pouring down, and thunder crashed like that movie Crash. God screamed, tossing his badminton racket to the ground, “Fran! DON’T GO THERE! NOO!”

But Fran did go there, after i yelled “What?! What?! What?! WHAT?! WHAT?! What are you laughing about?”

“Well,” said Fran, “I needed a ride to the bus station?”

“What?!”

“I had to go to a funeral”

“What?!”

“I wanted to make sure I got a ride!”

“Whaaaaaaat?!”

My mom wanted to go to Aunt Nora’s funeral in Pittsburgh. She needed a ride to the Greyhound bus station at 4 in the morning. And she wanted to make sure she got that ride.

My head exploded. My sister Vera said something about my parents locking themselves in the bedroom in the 70s. My sister Maura said she was grossed out and asked if we could not talk about my parents’ sex life. Bob, my father, remained silent for once. My nephew and niece were very confused. They’ve never been on a bus. Oh and they had no idea what we were talking about.

So that’s the story of Catherine’s existence, if case you wanted to know. It’s not the most romantic story, nor is it the most comforting thing for my psyche. But it sure is amusing!

*some details of this story may have been changed or exagerrated to heighten the drama*

Who is your favorite Jesus?

29 Mar

 

So who is your favorite Jesus?

 

Heck yea, there are multiple Jesuses!

 

First off, there is baby Jesus. Baby Jesus is super popular. He is allegedly very adorable and precious. He pulls off the swaddling clothes look, which is really hard to do. He is the reason for Christmas, the most fun holiday ever (if you aren’t a Jew, Muslim, Kwanzah celebrator, atheist, pagan, or angry old man that hates everything). Baby Jesus comes with every nativty scene. He is the most fun piece. You want to scoop him up in your palm and carry him around, or steal a big one from someone’s lawn. I stole one off some hardcore-Catholic chicks’ dorm door once. They were like nuns in training and had a navity scene on their door. I never wanted something so bad as i wanted that baby Jesus to put on my bedroom door. And I did! When I was drunk! YAY!

Then there is “The Jesus”. I mean the popular, everyday, and historical Jesus. The thirty something year old man that wandered around the Biblical lands with his posse. The Gospels star. He wore Jesus sandals, which you got to love. He did a bunch of miracles like cure people of aids and he hugged lepers and saved whores. And he made parties rocking with a shitload of wine made from water. He grew his hair and beard out like a hippie. Which is kinda gross, but looks good on him. You know how they say “ripped like Jesus”, well the man had a pretty fine body. He wore a long dress. I mean, robe. But, it kind of looks like a dress ya know. He raised Lazarus from the dead, which is pretty bad ass. He was always mellow and chill, except that one time in the temple when people were sinning and he flipped the fucked out. But anyway, this Jesus is just a very cool, happy, friendly, peaceful, and relaxed dude. He was even pretty relaxed when he got sentenced to death. He carried that big ass cross without complaining. He didn’t use any of his sweet Jesus powers to get out of that crucifixion. Maybe Jesus is a pushover. But he is such a nice guy. Who can hate a nice guy?

Then there is Dead Jesus. He is kind of a zombie Jesus, but not so much. I mean his body did disappear, but it didn’t wander the desert eating people. He just kinda appears whenever he wants, and then warps back to Heaven. Dead Jesus is like super cool because he is dead. That is pretty much the only reason. Sometimes people see Dead Jesus and he is pushing out his wrists and ankles and showing his bleeding crucifition wounds. I don’t know why he does this. It’s pretty emo to complain about that, I mean let it go man.

Then there is the Mysterious Jesus! It just so happens, that in the Bible, Jesus is only discussed as a baby and very small child. Then all of the sudden, he is in his thirties. What happened to the teen years and his twenties?! No one knows. At least, it’s not documented in the Bible. So all we can do is speculate. What was Mysterious Jesus like? Well there are two possibilities:

1. Emo Suck Ass Teen Jesus.

Imagine if while growing up, Jesus was a huge loser. I mean we all know what a pushover, nice guy he is. He would try to pick up chicks at the temple, and they would always diss him. For Example:

Hot Jew Girl 1: hehe that is like soo funny! Oh my gawd! Oh no! It’s Jesus! He just walked in!

Hot Jew Girl 2: Whaat?! Really? Oh my gawd! He is walking over here!

Hot Jew Girl 1: Ugh, he is such a dork. He has the dorkiest sandals.

Hot Jew Girl 2: And his face is sooo pimpley and oily from him anoiting himself all the time!

Jesus: Hey ladies! How are you this beautiful day?

Hot Jew Girl 1: Uh, like fine.

Hot Jew Girl 2: Yea, whatever

Jesus: Would you like to go on a walk with me?

Hot Jew Girl  1: Uh, I like totally need to help my dad watch sheep in the pasture.

Jesus: Oh, How about you?

Hot Jew Girl 2: I need to go….meet some potential future husbands. I am like almost 15. I totally need a husband like real soon.

Jesus: Ok. Peace be with you! :::walks away::::

Hot Jew Girl 1: Ugh, I can’t believe he can’t just say goodbye! What a freak!

When Jesus gets home he starts crying and using so much cloth kleenex. He hates being a loser. “Whyy God?! WHY?! Why is my life so miserable?!” Jesus then starts cutting himself with his carpentry saw. He sweeps his bangs into his eyes. He has no music, but he hums a lame tune to himself. Then he declares: “I hate my life! God, I wish you would kill me!” (this is a request he would later regret!)

Ok then there is the chance Mysterious Jesus is a stud.

2.Stud Jesus.

He is a badass playa that the ladies want, and the men want to be. He is God’s freaking Son, you can’t beat that! He has insane skills. For example, Jesus goes to Wedding where he makes the wine flow like crazy:

Hot Jew Slut 1: Mmm Jesus, this wine is fantastic. I praise you baby!

Jesus: Thank you ::::slips arm around her::::

Jew Dude: Jesus, man, your wine making skillz are dope!

Jesus: Thanks, man.

Hot Jew Slut 2: Jesus, I want to feel your miraculous, healing hands again! Heal me of my need! My need for…YOU!

Jesus: As you wish. :::puts his other arm around her, which eventually, falls down to cradle her ass

Jew Dude: Jesus, I have a bad rash…from…well…anyway. Can you help me out dude?

Jesus: Of course my brother. ::::lets go of the girls and cradles his hands over his friend’s balls:::::

Jew Dude: Wow, I feel better all ready!

Jesus: I know. I know.

The Bride: Jesus! How can we make this party better?! What Would Jesus Do?

Jesus: Well, Jesus would…fucking party hard! That is what he’d do!

The Bride: Thanks Jesus! Can I wash your feet?

So I’ve discussed all the Jesuses. Which Jesus is your favorite?! I got to say, they are all fucking fantastic.  But I guess I especially love the mystery and intrigue of Jesus in his teens and twenties. Since I don’t know for sure what he was like back then, I can pretend all I want. Which I did in this blog. My pretending will surely piss off the pope and condemn me to hell forever, but it was soooo much fun!!!

Hide the AIM

7 Feb

Don’t introduce your 9 year old niece to AIM.

 

She will make you go on AIM and chat with her.

Her conversations are boring, typically one word responses, and become tedious to respond to.

 

Her friends, also 9 years old, start to send you IMs. And you feel really creepy because you are 25 years old and you are talking to a bunch of 9 year olds. Doesn’t Chris Hansen say this is bad?

Besides, AIM is a technology I don’t even use anymore. It was brutally murdered by a devious duo known as Gmail and Facebook. AIM is so inconvenient to use because I can’t talk to my adult friends while I talk to her. But godforbid she gets on Facebook and tries to friend me….I have way too many drunk pics I am tagged in, inappropriate status updates written while drunk, and drunk friends posting on my wall.

But it’s my fault, I introduced her to AIM, so my advice to you is HIDE THE AIM! That is, if you even remember your old AIM screen name and/or password!

The Origins of Sprinkles Jesus

20 Jan

Catherine used to have a blog years ago on MySpace, but then it died along with MySpace. But in 2011, Catherine decided, with the good influence of friends, to create a blog website…three years too late…seeing that blogs peaked like three years ago. Oh well.

Catherine likes to write about unique topics, like her fake stuffed dachshund named Sprinkles Jesus.

This fine product was crafted by the Melissa & Doug toy company. Did you know that their customer service number is provided on the product label? Did you know that upon discovering this, I added this number to my contacts on my cell? Did you know I call them when I am drunk? Did you know that I leave voicemails? Did you know that all my voicemails are about my drunken exploits and my love for Sprinkles Jesus?

Now you do.